Focus On Your Child

(From our February 2025 Issue)

Temperaments and Technology

By Dr. Danny Huerta

As a family therapist, I’m increasingly encountering technology-related problems. A teen son rages because his parents put boundaries on video game time. A teen girl is in constant conflict with her parents because she is on social media most of the day. Elementary age children are addicted to online pornography. Whether we like it or not, technology presents serious parenting challenges.

According to a recent Pew Research survey, one-in-five children under 11 years-old has their own smartphone. Another study by Common Sense Media found that 9 percent of kids have a phone by age 14. Yet many parents regret introducing their kids to digital devices and social media too early. I’ve never heard a parent say, “I’m so glad I introduced my kids to smartphones and video games when they were toddlers.”

A child’s temperament will influence their tech use preferences. There are four distinct temperaments. At Focus on the Family, we’ve labeled these as talker (sanguine), thinker (melancholic), peacemaker (phlegmatic), and leader (choleric). Personality differences are complex, but these categories can give you a high-level view when thinking about differences in technology use in your home.

Talkers and peacemakers are relationally focused and more likely to use technology for social purposes. Talkers are extroverted, social, and playful. They are drawn to social media, social online games, and the allure of “likes” for approval. They use technology to achieve connectedness.

Peacemakers are introverted, loyal, and flexible. They can become chameleons in pursuit of acceptance and are vulnerable to pressure exerted online. This personality type may employ technology to put off doing things they don’t like.

Leaders and thinkers tend to be task focused. Leaders will use technology to help them accomplish goals and win control. They are attracted to competitive games. This temperament has the drive to use technology to acquire a large social following or make big money.

Thinkers may be interested in technology for researching, analyzing, and networking. Kids with this temperament may enjoy gathering facts to share with others or learning practical applications like coding. They are more likely to be interested in online games involving strategy, pattern recognition, and/or math.

Each personality temperament is drawn to different advantages offered by technology, and each can quickly become immersed and off balance in real life. Parents can preempt harmful habits with three intentional practices:

Explore and learn about the temperaments and tendencies in your home. Help children ask, “Why do I want to use technology? What are my greatest temptations when it comes to technology?”
Provide boundaries and limits consistently from an early age. Your job is not to be the “cool” parent, and your overall parenting goal should not be to make your kids happy. Realize that when you choose to introduce your child to technology, you’re taking on huge parenting responsibilities.
Establish balance in your home. Families can quickly lose stability because of stress, demands, and distractions. Take time to exercise, eat at least one meal together, and play as a family. Likewise, don’t let technology rob your kids of crucial brain-reparative sleep.

Take time to discover the different personality temperaments in your home. Guiding each of your kids according to their design can help you avoid much heartache and conflict. For more practical parenting tips, visit focusonparenting.com