Focus On Your Child

(From our October 2024 Issue)

How Do I Cultivate Grit and Resilience in My Children?

By Dr. Danny Huerta

My first year coaching my son and his friends in basketball began with the option of a competitive vs. non-competitive league. I love healthy competition! I was excited to teach these fourth graders not just about winning, but also how to lose well, persevere, and work hard.

Right before the first game, the person in charge of our league emphatically told me and the opposing coach, “We don’t keep score in this league! We don’t want to upset the kids!” She was clearly frustrated with our plan to treat this like a normal game. I was confused. How can it be a competitive league when no one wins or loses? I kindly communicated my case that not keeping score and not allowing kids to experience and process difficult emotions wasn’t helpful to their development. When it was finally agreed that parent volunteers could keep score (on paper), there was an obvious contrast between how the kids played compared to games around us where the score wasn’t being kept.

All of us (even those of us who aren’t extremely competitive) feel good about overcoming obstacles and gaining a victory. The ability to overcome challenges is typically the result of grit (the capacity to persevere toward a goal) and resilience (being able to bounce back from adversity). These, in turn, come from working through difficulties. Unfortunately, many parents shelter kids from disappointment, failure, and fear. They may even avoid giving them boundaries, since those create “bad feelings.”

Help your kids grow by coming alongside them as they experience adversity and challenging emotions. You don’t need to solve all their problems for them. Validate them by acknowledging the challenges they face, but remind them of their capabilities, and celebrate victories. Also, highlight the benefits of patience, self-control, faithfulness, humility, respect, and creativity. These provide the framework for developing resilience and grit.

Here are several important concepts to teach your kids as they learn to cultivate grit and resilience:

Fail with a bounce. Losing with a “next time” mindset permits growth. Failing with an “I have something I can work on” mentality makes room for improvement.
Push through with a “no matter what” attitude. When kids think, “I’m going to finish what I started, no matter what!” they will rise above discomfort. This helps them learn to sift through their thoughts to pick the best ones, not just the easiest ones.
Adopt the “one more” mentality. We all have “one more” in us, even when we feel like quitting. Teach your children to push themselves a bit beyond what they thought they could do.
Own your decisions. Teach them to make decisions and take responsibility for them. You might ask, “What do you think you should do?” Teach them not to avoid decisions, and to not blame others when their decisions don’t go well.
Pursue growth, not happiness. Kids need to learn early on that happiness is up to them. It’s not based on circumstances, but their response to circumstances. Happiness isn’t a right, and relentlessly striving for it ultimately creates frustration.

These are just a few ideas. These life concepts will build self-confidence in your child, which naturally increases their resilience and grit.

For more practical parenting advice you can trust, visit focusonparenting.com.