Solo Parenting

(From our October 2024 Issue)

Restoring Emotional Margin

By Scoti Springfield Domeij

Negative thinking and chronic stress drag single parents into an abyss of depression. How can you identify and overcome habits contributing to those emotional downward spirals?

Stop Dwelling and Retelling the Past. I’ve attended my share of single and single-parenting groups hoping to find others who understand my struggles and who offer encouragement and stimulating adult conversations. However, I’ve noticed a dispiriting pattern. No matter how inspiring or relatable the speaker’s topic or thought-provoking discussion questions, the group dynamics and dialogue gridlock on the same answer: what my X did to me. Monopolizing Mary or Dominating Darin regurgitates for the umpteenth time the blame game they’ve reiterated for five, 10, even 25+ years.

Addiction to pain and victimhood triggers rewind and replay buttons. Droning on and on about the past contaminates the present and the future. Defensive denial as a chronic default button never leads to healing or freedom from depression.

Step Outside Your Comfort Zone. Let down by troublesome antagonists, black moments sidetracked my dreams of happily ever after. Trapped and depressed, my out-of-control circumstances shackled my emotions to powerlessness. I craved control over emotional chaos. Flailing like a kite minus a tail, I nose-dived and bounced from one crash landing to another. Without denying or minimizing my life’s unexpected plot twists, I floundered, stopped upchucking past grievances, mourned and risked working through broken trust, frightening feelings and traumatic memories to heal and to reclaim my spirit.

Let Go of To-Dos and Embrace Your Ta-Dahs. As hard as I try to plan, not many days go as scheduled. Emergencies, unplanned financial pressures, and unforeseen crises blow-up my To-Do list. To relieve the stress of self-imposed To-Dos, I agree with reality, step into uncharted territory, and focus on today’s Ta-Dahs — I ask, What will I give myself permission to eliminate to best care for myself and my children? Messy house or my sanity? Dishes in the sink or sleep? Ignoring social media or spending time with my children?

And how do I describe my Ta-Dahs? Whatever I’m able to accomplish today, which after an emotional downer, may mean just breathing. I often lack the emotional margin to read a To-Do list, much less check off a task. I evaluate today’s challenges and my emotional margin against every entry on my list. Every item is negotiable or transferable to tomorrow, next week, maybe next month — even never. Undone To-Dos no longer burden me with unrealistic expectations, generating unnecessary stress or branding me a failure. I choose to applaud every tiny Ta-Dah marking I survived today or celebrating I checked off one chore on my To-Do list. Wahoo! Too often we forget that our Ta-Dahs launch us into the hope and future awaiting us.

Propelled into single parenthood with a four-year-old son and a nine-month-old son, Scoti helps solo parents face their fears with the courage to embrace new life. A proud Gold Star mom, Scoti writes for the online Havok Journal. She’s been published in The New York Times, Southwest Art, Family Life Today, and other parenting magazines. © 2024 Scoti Springfield Domeij. All rights reserved.