Solo Parenting

(From our November 2024 Issue)

A Thanksgiving Psalm

By Scoti Springfield Domeij

Every November our country engages in a guilt trip of thanksgiving, causing us to contemplate, “Is my heart grateful or not?” Before my divorce, my cornucopia overflowed with gratitude. However, the shock of single parenting shattered expectations of what life “should” be. No one could convince me what seemed so devastating could turn out positive. I wondered, Will I ever express thanks for the life I never wanted—single-parenthood?

Day after day of unending “You’re it,” parenting-alone crises drained me. Hope vanished, believing every adversity, failure, heartache, and crisis carried a beneficial seed. Instead of giving myself a standing ovation for just surviving, I beat myself up, recounting every lost step. I failed to see slipping one step down after ascending two steps up was still forward motion.

Overcome by inadequacy and worthlessness, I kept an account of my troubles. Vexed by the disparity between my new “normal”—single parent—to the old “normal”—married, I compared myself with others who possessed what I lacked and yearned for. Caught in the envy trap—the art of counting others’ blessings—I felt angry with people who took their circumstances for granted.

Bless More, Blame Less. I stopped comparing my recovery to my “former life” and began appreciating my progress since yesterday, last week, last month, last year. To accept imperfection in others and myself, I quit dividing people into the favored, successful “haves” and the unfortunate, unsuccessful “have-nots.” The courage to acknowledge my flaws, struggles and failures to God and myself freed me to bless others. How often do we underestimate the power of a comforting touch, a warm smile, a reassuring word? The impact of disparaging comments lacerating my heart motivated me to seek opportunities to encourage and console others.

Reset Your Thanks-o-Meter. Financial difficulties, sleep deprivation, resentment, and feeling lower than low contributed to too many horrible, no good, very bad days—slammed my thanks-o-meter to zero. The Hebrew for gratitude, hakarat hatov, means “recognizing the good provided by God.” What if I regained insight into the gifts and kindness God lavished on me? Giving thanks drained the negative, soul-crushing “I-deserve-what-I-want” myth. I began flexing my gratitude muscle, noting positive happenings, a helpful or kind act, the beauty of God’s universe, my boys’ hilarious or insightful observations.

Count your blessings. Once I mastered hard math—counting my progress and my blessings—I released my losses and yearnings to embrace the gifts I enjoyed. Others may rely on a boyfriend or husband, earn more money, live in a bigger house, drive a new car, play with newer gadgets, wear designer clothes, enjoy an easier life. However, single parenting forced me back to the basics—to tap into my reliance on God to triumph over challenges. Relying on my faith, I discovered my God-given inner resources, lived with less, and shared my love and values with my sons fulfilling.

Express praise to God. Over time, I realized major disappointments became blessings in disguise. Rough seas develop skillful sailors. Overcoming each challenge strengthened my confidence, my resolve, my character, and my faith. I felt gratitude to the Giver of my life, my children, the very breath I breathe. The first Thanksgiving pilgrims did not enjoy a high living standard. Quite the opposite. Their appreciation to God for surviving their first bitter winter in the New World expressed a spark of hope for whatever the future might bring. In my new single-parenting world, thanksgiving was far too precious to be reserved for just one day a year.

Propelled into single parenthood with a four-year-old son and a nine-month-old son, Scoti helps solo parents face their fears with courage and embrace new life. Christmas Miracles (St. Martin’s Press) and The Mommy Diaries: Finding Yourself in the Daily Adventure (Revell) include Scoti’s essays. She’s been published in The New York Times, Southwest Art, Family Life Today, and other parenting magazines. She writes for HavokJournal.com, an online military magazine. © 2024 Scoti Springfield Domeij. All rights reserved.